AL MVP Additional Thoughts

November 22nd, 2011

A few points of clarification regarding yesterday’s post.

  1. Yes, I am aware that the Cy Young and Hank Aaron awards aren’t doled out by the same governing body. The Cy Young is voted upon by the Baseball Writers Association of America whereas the Hank Aaron is determined by baseball fans and media. In comparing the two, I was simply pointing out that the Cy Young is the gold standard for pitchers. The Hank Aaron award, which has only been around since 1999, doesn’t garner that same kind of reverence. Since the Hank Aaron award also only defines one aspect of an everyday player’s game, it likely never will achieve Cy Young award status. 
  2. No, I really wasn’t aware of the fact that a Babe Ruth Award already existed. Yesterday, I suggested that if pitchers are going to be considered for MVP’s, then a position-player-specific award should exist to counterbalance the Cy Young. I said “call it the Babe Ruth or the Joe DiMaggio.” Turns out the Baseball Writers Association of America does have a Babe Ruth Award: it’s awarded to the MVP of the post-season. This award has very little panache as most fans only really pay attention to the post-season MVP awards handed out on the field by Major League Baseball. 

Once again, none of this changes my argument. If there’s a best pitcher of the year, then there needs to be a best everyday player of the year. So who is it? Given my Blue Jays rooting bias, I think we all know who has my vote.

AL MVP Shouldn’t Be Verlander

November 21st, 2011

So Justin Verlander is the American League MVP. Forgive my inability to think outside of the box, but that’s just flat out ridiculous.  

The best pitcher is awarded the Cy Young. In my mind, when Verlander won it, he became the MVP of American League pitchers. 

Giving him the American League MVP on top of the Cy Young seems incredibly redundant. Even worse, it leaves a gap in the history books. When future fans go back through the pages of baseball history, there won’t be a clear indication as to who was the best American League position player in 2011. 

And that’s the distinction that really needs to be made. If the MVP isn’t exclusively for position players, then an award equivalent to the Cy Young in terms of prestige needs to be created: call it the Babe Ruth or the Joe DiMaggio. Because right now, there isn’t one, and that just makes Verlander look like a hijacker! 

Sure, some may point to the Hank Aaron Award as being position-player-specific, but it also focuses on offence – it doesn’t claim its recipient to be baseball’s all round best everyday player. Besides, no-one in their right mind believes the Cy Young and Hank Aaron share equal status. Just look at how people refer to the two. When people say ‘the Cy Young’, they don’t have to say ‘Award’ because it’s assumed that you know what it is. People always call it the Hank Aaron Award because they have to remind you what the hell they’re talking about. 

And so baseball writers, if you’re going to go back to giving MVP’s to pitchers, then a new honour is needed for everyday players. They do play 162 games a year after all, often all 9 innings!  

Starting pitching; it’s the only job in the world where you can work one out of every five, check out early and still be considered the most valuable person in the company. 

By: Alex Headley, the very Headley of, Headley Talks, a blog that struggles to work one day in every thirty.

Jose Bautista vs. Alex Headley: Who Had The Better 2011?

October 27th, 2011

Lately, the people I’m closest to have been giving me a hard time about my lack of accomplishments. Whenever I point out a personal achievement, they discourage me by comparing my 2011 year to Jose Bautista’s. 

Don’t get me wrong, I think that Bautista had a brilliant 2011 campaign, but just because he hit 43 home runs, batted over .300 and drove in 103 runs, it doesn’t mean that other people aren’t succeeding too. Just the other day, I made a flawless mix CD for my friend Paul, something I doubt Mr. Bautista could ever do. 

But the parallels don’t end there. I went shot for shot with Jose all year, and the anecdotal evidence proves it. 

April 1st, 2011 

  • Jose Bautista went deep on Opening Day giving him his first homerun of the season.
  • That very day, Alex Headley scrounged around in the trunk of his car for roughly three minutes before finding the final quarter needed to purchase a Sausage and Egg McMuffin. Mr. Bautista symbolically tasted success, Headley actually did it! 

May 15, 2011

  • Joey Bats was at it again hitting three homeruns in one game at Target Field vs. Minnesota. 
  • Alex Headley also had a banner afternoon successfully explaining the meaning of Groundhog Day to two newly arrived immigrants who spoke very little English and had no historical context for the tradition whatsoever. Three homeruns in one game is impressive though. We’ll call this one a draw.   

May 28th, 2011 

  • Bautista connected for his 20th homer of the season vs. the White Sox at the Rogers Centre. 
  • Headley helped an inebriated woman find every CD she was looking for at the Oshawa Public Library. His performance was so impressive, she actually commented, “Do you work here? Oh, then what are you assisting me for? Don’t make me call security!”   

July 2nd, 2011 

  • Former Blue Jays ace, Roy Halladay returned to Toronto, and Jose Bautista welcomed him home by going yard to straightaway centre. 
  • Headley mowed the front yard with an electric lawn mower and didn’t run over the extension cord once! Jose’s just playing baseball, Alex was in a life and death situation.   

July 10th, 2011 

  • Bautista homers twice in Cleveland, the second one coming in extra innings and being the difference in the game. 
  • Headley loses his wallet twice and finds it both times. When he hears about Bautista’s evening, he loses it a third time for good measure. Unfortunately, the third time isn’t a charm: he never sees his wallet again.       

August 16th, 2011 

  • Jose made it 35 on the season, he homered on the road against Seattle at Safeco Field. 
  • Alex went for a 40 minute walk in the downtown Oshawa core without singing or talking to himself once. Everyone who saw him that day said he looked like a real winner.   

August 24th 2011 

  • Bautista launched a towering drive into the second deck in left field against the Kansas City Royals at the Rogers Centre. 
  • Headley operated a lap top computer and ate chicken wings without napkins at the same time. Who says men can’t multi-task! 

September 4th, 2011 

  • Bautista blasted his 40th homerun of the season against the New York Yankees. 
  • Headley read two whole articles in the Toronto Sun before checking out the Sunshine Girl. Forget discipline at the plate, that’s real restraint. 

September 13th, 2011 

  • Jose launched a homerun over the Green Monster and off of the foul pole at Fenway Park in Boston. 
  • Alex mastered the 2-1 (water to rice) cup ratio on his stovetop in his kitchen.    

September 24th, 2011 

  • Toronto’s current Homerun King belted out his final big fly of the season, number 43 verses the Tampa Bay Rays. 
  • Headley demonstrated his academic prowess, teaching himself everything that he knows in one 5 minute session. He was a surprisingly good tutor and an even better student. 

So there you have it, a shot by shot sampling of two outstanding individuals who had relatively comparable years. I didn’t even mention the laundry that I did or the phone messages that I took, but then again, I didn’t comment on Bautista’s fielding skills either. 

By: Alex Headley 

The very Headley of, Headley Talks, a no nonsense blog that delights in comparing apples to oranges. Feel free to mention Headley and Bautista in the same breath, it’s a fair comparison.

For Alex Headley, every day is just another day living in Jose Bautista's 5 o'clock Shadow.

My Soap Opera Life

October 18th, 2011

The other day, I fell asleep alone on the couch in front of the television. To my horror, I awoke to find my wife sitting next to me watching General Hospital. 

“Oh, come off of it!” she scolded me, “I’m allowed my guilty pleasures too. You think I don’t know that you’re watching Coronation Street when I’m not home?”  

“Damn it,” I cursed. I had been very careful to only watch Coronation Street online, and I always deleted my computer history.  

“I heard it one night through your headphones,” she said.  

“I knew you weren’t really sleeping,” I muttered. That night, I had been uncharacteristically reckless in my TV viewing, but it was the episode when Jack died: I had to risk it. And so, with my own demons exposed, I had no choice, but to shut up and bear her soap opera.  

My better judgement aside, I was actually enjoying the storyline until an announcer’s voice came over the scene and quickly bellowed, “DUE TO KIRSTEN STORMS’ ILLNESS, THE ROLE OF MAXIE JONES WILL BE PLAYED BY JEN LILLEY.” Then, a blonde girl that I had never seen before entered the hospital waiting room. To my surprise, Spinelli started talking to her just like she was the real Maxie! 

“What the hell?” I remarked.  

“Yeah,” my wife said un-phased. “Sometimes, when an actor is sick, they temporarily bring in another actor to play the part.”  

“That’s ridiculous!”  

“How is that any different from sports.? When Jose Bautista is sick, don’t the Blue Jays have somebody else play right field?”  

“Yeah, but that player has a name: the announcer doesn’t pretend that the right fielder is actually Jose Bautista!” 

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Nobody gave me a ‘fill-in-wife’ when mine got sick, I was stuck with the one God gave me. Even worse, when she fell ill, I was expected to take care of her. Just the other night, we were forced to miss a friends’ social gathering because of her sore throat. If I lived in the soap-opera world, these inconveniences would never happen. 

I began to picture myself showing up at my friend Joe’s house. Just before I enter his living room, an announcer’s voice calls out, “DUE TO ILLNESS, THE PART OF ALEX’S WIFE WILL BE PLAYED BY SCARLETT JOHANSSON!”  

This new system would also come in handy when it came to arguing about household chores. I pictured my wife saying, “didn’t I tell you to bring down your dirty laundry?”  

“No,” I could respond, “I’m pretty sure your role was being played by Angelina Jolie that week. She said that she would take care of it!”  

***

“You better make sure that you have a suit ready for Sara’s wedding”, my wife’s voice snapped me out of my daydream, “because if you don’t, I can hear the announcer’s voice already: DUE TO ILLNESS, THE PART OF ALEX WILL BE PLAYED BY JASON STATHAM!”   

“You wouldn’t dare,” I looked at her astonished.  

“What? You think I can’t have daydreams too? Just watch me!”  

By: Alex Headley 

The very Headley of, Headley Talks, unless otherwise noted by an announcer’s voice: TODAY, THE WRITER OF HEADLEY TALKS IS BEING PLAYED BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!

The Quest For 60%

October 15th, 2011

Today, my wife sent me to the Supermarket for 60% whole wheat bread. You can imagine my confusion when I showed up in the bread aisle and all the loaves were reading 100%.

I kindly asked the bread lady, “Do 60% whole wheat bread loaves exist or is my wife just yanking my chain?”

“Oh they exist alright,” she assured me, “but we don’t carry them anymore… they’re kind of going the way of the unicorn.”  

“That bad eh?” I said not really understanding her reference. 

“Besides,” she went on, “why would you want 60% of something when you can have it all? 100 is better than 60!” 

“Not always,” I disagreed. “I don’t really know a lot about the whole bread game, but I know a thing or two about broken arms.”  

“What are you on about?” my red-apron wearing nemesis asked me. 

“Well what if I’m on a swing?” I asked her, “and I fall off and break my arm? I’d rather break 60% of my arm than 100% of my arm.” 

“You’re a grown man, what are you doing on a swing?” she snarled.  

“Or what if I’m climbing a mountain?” I babbled. “What if I’m climbing a mountain, and I’m desperate to get to the top? Would I rather have 60% of the climb left or the whole thing?” 

“I’m starting to hope you fall off this mountain,” she quipped, “and break your arm on the way down. Now do you want my help or not, because I’m a very busy bread lady and I have some slicing to do.”  

OK, maybe she didn’t call herself ‘bread lady’, but that just fits the story nicely, and I don’t actually know her name. Although her sentence must have been something different altogether, because she wouldn’t have said ‘I’m a very busy Debbie’ but it was something like that… something in that vein. 

Finally, this hair netted breadstress said something useful: “you look like a man who’s into idiotic solutions, why don’t I cut the loaf for you… you can take 60% of the 100% loaf home to your wife.” 

“Not bad Solomon,” I complimented her, “but I’m King David, my solution rules the day!” 

You should have seen my wife’s face when I came home and she realized what I had done. 

You see, my wife really likes 60% whole wheat bread, and she must know that it’s rare stuff, because her exact instructions were, “if you find any, buy it all up, bring home ten loaves of it!”  For a fleeting moment, this seemed like an impossible task because like the ‘Red Apron’ said, 60% bread is mythological. 

But that’s when I remembered my old friend math: if my wife wanted 10 loaves (each at 60%), then she was really asking for 600% whole wheat bread. With the help of a high school shopping cart jockey, I was able to deduce that 600 divided by 100 was actually 6! I could get my wife the exact amount of whole wheat she required, and I could do it in just six 100 % loaves.  

“And you actually thought that this made sense?” my incredulous wife asked me.  

“Big time savings,” I told her. “I saved on 4 loaves, and do you know how I spent my bonus money?” 

“Tell me,” she really didn’t want to know.  

“I went to Déjà vu Discs, I bought a Best of the 60’s compilation… in honour of the bread… it was really my day.”  

“Maybe you should have bought a Best of the 80’s and subtracted twenty of the tracks… it would have worked out to the same thing.”  

“Sometimes, I think you only use 60% of your brain,” I informed her. 

Turns out the joke’s on me. Who knew that 60% of your brain was such a good number.  

By: Alex Headley and his life experiences. 60% of this story is actually true. Can you spot any fabrications?

George Harrison: Living In The Material World

October 12th, 2011

Finally sat down and watched, George Harrison: Living In The Material World, last weekend. If you’re obsessed with George to the point where just seeing his face and hearing his voice is enough, then this film is for you! Those thrills aside, this three and a half hour Martin Scorsese picture really doesn’t offer anything new. 

Sure, it was somewhat interesting to hear Pattie Boyd and Eric Clapton recount different versions of how they got together. Olivia Harrison’s vivid description of the 1999 knife attack at Friar Park was another deeply personalized moment put on public display for the first time. Throw in Macca’s characterization of Harrison as a man who, “liked the things that men like. He was red-blooded.”,  and now we know that the “Quiet Beatle” got his fair share of action. 

But the revelations stopped there. The rest of the film read like a tired old football box score, especially the first half. Whole segments seemed entirely lifted from, The Beatles Anthology, an 11 ½ hour documentary that exhausts every piece of archival Beatles’ footage known to man. 

No doubt, finding a new approach to such a well known subject was a challenge for Scorsese. Accounts of George’s boyhood and Beatle years are histories that some fanatics know better than Bible verses.

Scorsese’s solution is to amplify Harrison’s spiritualism and love for Indian music. The problem is that these aren’t unturned stones either. 

Sadly, images of Harrison’s gothic castle home set upon acres of English countryside don’t do much to endorse George as a spiritualist. The movie also insinuates that Harrison has had more women than guitars, and judging by his guitar collection, that’s quite the number! Unfortunately, discoveries like these leave the movie holding a hollow thesis. 

This movie’s greatest shortcoming is that by keeping the focus too much on George, Scorsese really steers clear of John and Paul. The film highlights Harrison’s flashes of brilliance as a songwriter, but his greatest contribution to the Beatles was his ability to enhance John and Paul’s music as a lead guitarist. 

McCartney touches on this describing Harrison’s contributions to, And I Love Her.  He also recalls how Harrison and Starkey would instantly add the perfect feel to a new song upon hearing it for the first time. Harrison’s song-writing genius is obvious, it’s his contributions to the works of his band-mates that needs uncovering. 

Following this thread, Scorsese could have shown how Harrison’s meticulous guitar work on early Beatles’ records slowly evolved into his own wholly created gems like, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, and, Here Comes The Sun at the end of the decade. To paraphrase Lennon, Harrison had one of the greatest song writing apprenticeships a musician could have ever hoped for. 

If song writing had been the focus of this movie, then, All Things Must Pass, could have been the apex with Scorsese and the audience following Harrison on his journey to the mountain’s summit. It would have been interesting watching him get there. 

By: Alex Headley, the very Headley of, Headley Talks, and boy did I talk a lot through this movie: it wasn’t a great one.

No Steamy Sex Scene In This One.

Life After Charlie Sheen – The Brave New Adventures Of CBS

September 6th, 2011

This Fall, forget about Fantasy Football or a new season of Dancing With The Stars. Devote your wasted time and energy to this philosophical question: Can Two and a Half Men really survive without Charlie Sheen? 

Fans rarely accept change. The key to success is bringing in Ashton Kutcher without losing Charlie’s character. So the question becomes how do you keep Charlie Harper if you don’t have Charlie Sheen to play him on the show? It wasn’t easy, but I came up with a few solutions that left Charlie Harper’s presence on the hit sitcom relatively intact.  

  • Charlie Harper becomes afflicted by Benjamin Button Syndrome. Ashton Kutcher is simply Charlie in a younger state. 
  • Charlie is on the run for tax evasion. He studies the Harry Potter series and discovers a way to make a Polyjuice Potion. He takes the potion daily and lives out the rest of his days as an Ashton Kutcher look-alike. As an added bonus, he increases his likelihood of having sex with Demi Moore.
  • Charlie has a religious awakening and comes to see himself as a prophet. He goes into the Hollywood Hills to receive instructions from God. God speaks to him through a burning Hollywood sign. The experience leaves him physically transformed. He comes back to his home in Malibu looking like Ashton Kutcher.
  • Ghosts parody. In this scenario, Ashton Kutcher plays a role similar to Whoopi Goldberg’s character in the movie Ghosts. Charlie Harper uses him as a medium.  Ashton is merely on the program to convey dead Charlie’s thoughts to his loved ones and help make some pottery.
  • Beauty and the Beast parody. A beautiful woman shows up at Charlie’s door and despite being initially repulsed by his existence, she learns to love him. Charlie has a heart attack during an orgy, but the beautiful woman weeps over his pre-climaxed corpse. The tears transform him into an Ashton Kutcher prince. 
  • Charlie writes a jingle so successful it allows him to purchase a flying car faster than the speed of light. He goes out for a cruise around the world, but accidently travels twenty-five years back in time. The good news? Ashton Kutcher can now play a young Charlie. The bad news? Jake’s character isn’t born yet. Angus T Jones loses his job. 
  • Charlie realizes he is dying. He employs a scientist to transplant his mind and soul into the body of a young youth killed in a motorcycle accident. The end result? Frankensheen!
  • Faceoff Remake. Ashton Kutcher is introduced as a character who wants Charlie Harper’s money. In the season premiere, he kidnaps Charlie and takes him to Mexico for what can only be characterized as an illegal surgery.  Charlie is left with Ashton’s Kutcher’s face, no house and no loved ones. He finds shelter on an island and basically becomes Tom Hanks in Castaway
  • The season starts with Mulder and Scully dropping off Ashton Kutcher to Alan and Jake. They assure the family that Ashton Kutcher – albeit different in appearance – is still Charlie. All will be explained in a third X Files movie dedicated to improving relations between FOX and CBS.

There they are, my nine gifts to CBS. They may seem a bit ridiculous, but when you’re entering a ninth season without the star of the franchise, you have to take what you can get. Don’t let anybody tell you it that can’t be done. Look no further than the Beach Boys. They got by without Brian Wilson didn’t they?  

By: Alex Headley (the very Headley of, Headley Talks, the blog that talks a lot and thinks a little.) 

The new Patrick Swayze!

 

Canada Federal Election Revisited

May 3rd, 2011

What a night for Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party of Canada. Going in, the Prime Minister may have called it “the election that Canadian people didn’t want”, but in the end, he got what he needed, a Majority Government.

CBC reports that voter turnout was up from 2008, but still, a significant percentage of the population chose not have a say in who would form Canada’s 41st parliament. While a 61.4% voter turnout rate is a passable grade, 100% participation remains the ideal. In order to reach that benchmark, our nation needs to find a way to make politics more appealing to the masses.  Here are some changes to the political system in Ottawa that if implemented, could increase the voter turnout next time around.

  1. The next time parliament collapses, they should really knock it down. Its already been on fire once, and everyone gets excited by a good demolition! This also provides the newly elected government with a clear mandate; to rebuild parliament!
  2. Every candidate should get to pie another candidate in the face just once over the course of the election campaign. Forget strategic voting, it’s time for strategic pieing! This will also ensure that long after the Liberal party is dead in Canada, the name of Jean Chretian will live on.
  3. On election night, all candidates should be crammed into the House of Commons for an ultimate game of musical chairs.  When the voting stops, the elected MP’s take their seats. The losers are forced to be ottomans.
  4. Forget buses, campaign trails need to become triathlons. Candidates can run, swim and bike to bring their messages nation wide. If leaders wear Speedos for the swim portion, this will completely change the meaning of how their polls are looking!
  5. Similar to the comedic spirit of  Britain’s Red Nose Day, party leaders should raise money for charity by swapping clothes and fashion sensibilities for one day of the campaign. For example, Stephen Harper could take on Jack Layton’s penis look while Layton could dress like a drag queen.
  6. Candidates should be forced to speak French for the English Speaking Debate and English for the French Speaking Debate. This serves no real purpose. It’s just about messing with their minds.
  7. On election day, candidates should put on donkey suits and be forced to piggyback bed ridden hospital patients to voting stations. These patients could whip their donkeys and yell, “who wants it the most? Who wants it the most!”
  8. Candidates should give their end of election night speeches in another parties campaign headquarters.  Imagine Harper in front of an NDP crowd? It would be like Derek Jeter at the plate in Fenway Park!
  9. The newly elected Prime Minister should give his victory speech whilst standing on the back of the opposition leader. He should be dressed like a Pharaoh and the opposition leader should be decorated like a chariot. During lulls in the speech, the leader of the opposition can yell, “beep beep, coming through!”
  10. From now on, whenever the Governor General prorogues parliament, the government in power should be mandated to hand out free perogies to the public.  The word “prorogue” sounds far too tasty to be a bad thing.  If they’re going to be fat cats, then we should get to be fat cats too!

By: Alex Headley

(The very Headley of, Headley Talks, a blog with very little political insight but incredible passion for pastry; especially when it’s being hurled in somebody’s face.)

PEI Pie Brigade

Why I Hate The 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs, The Western Conference Edition

April 19th, 2011

Yesterday, I confided in you that my passion for the 2011 Stanley Cup playoffs has gone the way of the dodo bird. Today, I explore my interest in teams that usually drop the puck a half an hour after I go to bed. Did I mention I’ve never been west of Chicago? As far as I’m concerned, the Phoenix Coyotes might as well be a cricket team in Burma: that’s how distant they are from my everyday reality!  Here is a series by series explanation as to why the Western Conference has me hitting the snooze button.

Vancouver vs. Chicago

Maybe this is the year that the Blackhawks will end their 49 year drought and win the Stanley Cup? Oh wait a minute, that was last year. There’s another story line gone! I guess that leaves me rooting for the Canucks, but how can I cheer for a team that employs the use of clones? If the Canucks get two Sedins then the Blackhawks should get two Kanes. And what about me? Don’t I deserve a clone that can stay up late enough to watch their games? Then my readers would actually be getting an informed opinion!

Detroit vs. Phoenix

Detroit’s domination of the Western Conference has been going on longer than the British soap opera, Coronation Street. If I miss a dominant performance by the Red Wings this year, I can always catch the re-run next season.  Add the fact that they’re playing a team on the verge of franchise extinction and this series has all the excitement of a dry bowl of cornflakes.  Featuring stars like Nicklas Lidstrom, this round one match up is clearly running on fossil fuel. Nick needs to retire already and give young guys like me a shot.  I blame Lidstrom’s longevity as the sole reason for my inability to crack the NHL.

San Jose vs. LA

How could a team playing in California be called the Kings? The wild west is the antithesis of monarchy! Tuning in to see Joe Thornton is a real must. There’s a man whose grizzled face tells the story of the post season: he’s the epitome of playoff hockey! For Leaf fans, it’s sort of fascinating to see another city that Vesa Toskala once called home. Sharks’ Administration needs to write a letter of complaint to Wikipedia: he’s wearing their jersey in his wiki picture! Bring Gretzky back, change the year to 1993 and I might be interested. Maybe we could re-write history and find a way to prevent Montreal from winning the Cup.

Nashville vs. Anaheim

In all honesty, I had to check nhl.com to remind myself that this series existed. I didn’t care about Anaheim when they were the Mighty Ducks so what makes them think I’m going to care about them now? Ottawa vs. Anaheim was one of the most useless Stanley Cup Finals I’ve endured in recent memory. Ryan, Getzlaf and Perry are all great players, but I literally saw 0 of Corey Perry’s goals this year.  Perry and Getzlaf are far more exhilarating when they’re playing in Team Canada colours.  Hopefully, Mike Fisher will redeem this series by bringing Carrie Underwood to the arena.

By: Alex Headley

(the very Headley of, Headley Talks, a blog that writes passionately on topics that it doesn’t care about.)



Why I Hate The 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs

April 18th, 2011

Please, somebody help me care about the Stanley Cup playoffs! Every night, I watch games waiting to feel the sensation that comes with playoff hockey, but instead, I’m left sympathizing with the impotent man who can’t seem to respond to the Swimsuit Issue. The images are all there on my television screen, but I just can’t seem to get aroused.

Friends are quick to point out that in their minds, I’m a Leaf fan and not a hockey fan. Having said that, the Leafs haven’t been in the playoffs since 2004. Even so, I’ve been engaged by the playoffs every year up until this one.

At the end of the day, for me, sports comes down to a rooting interest. While my universe is Leafs centred, most years, I am able to find storylines that help me to become interested in other teams. This year, the plot board is empty. Here is a series by series explanation of why I just don’t care about the 2011 quest for Lord Stanley’s Mug.

Eastern Conference

 

Pittsburgh vs. Tampa

 

This matchup has all the excitement of a pre-season game or a Hollywood B movie. Instead of Crosby and Malkin, we’re watching Kovalev and Neal. Call me crazy, but without Sid in the line up, I just can’t accept the fact that this is the real Penguins’ team. As a result, the whole series is illegitimate. Sure, Stamkos has some star power, but overall, I think the Lightning are pretenders anyway. Why should I bother hitching my star to their wagon? Besides, Tampa has enough fans as it is. I wouldn’t want to crowd their Stanley Cup parade route by adding a 14th person.

Washington vs. New York

 

Will they get over the hump or won’t they? This is the best story line the Capitals have to offer, but the better drama will forever be Crosby verses Ovechkin. Without his foil in the Stanley Cup playoffs, Ovechkin can’t win. If he succeeds, he does so because he doesn’t have to run into the true Beast in the East. If he fails, then there’s one less star in the Stanley Cup playoffs. And as for the Rangers? Watching Sean Avery dance in front of goaltenders just isn’t my thing. His former girlfriend however… she’s a different story altogether.   If she was playing for the Rangers, then I might have something to cheer about.

Montreal vs. Boston

 

This is a true Leaf fan’s nightmare series. Who do I cheer for; my arch-rival or the team that stole our first round picks for the rest of eternity? The answer is no-one, but the lesser of two evils still has to be Boston. Enough with the argument that as a Canadian, I have to root for the Canadian team! Habs fans wouldn’t cheer for us, and if they ever did magically win the Stanley Cup this year, we would never hear the end of it. But if they lose, 1993 becomes more of a distant memory with each passing year.  Maybe that’s the only thing left to cheer for!

Buffalo vs. Philadelphia

 

In my world, this series definitely has to be a key ingredient in Gravol.  These two teams have done wonders for my insomnia. In terms of storied franchises, I can’t think of two teams that actually care less about. Will Ryan Miller save every puck that comes his way enabling  the very crappy Buffalo Sabres to move on to the second round? Or will the Philadelphia Flyers scrape by subjecting yet another visiting team to their disgusting city and fans? The good news is one of these teams has to be eliminated. The bad news is one of these parasites will find a new host in the second round.

That’s enough for one day. Tomorrow, I’ll rip on the Western Conference and why I don’t care about any team that plays games past my bedtime. Until then, happy playoff watching!

By:

Alex Headley

(The very Headley of, Headley Talks, a glass half empty kind of blog that never writes the truth in full.)