Jose Bautista vs. Alex Headley: Who Had The Better 2011?

February 24th, 2012

Lately, the people I’m closest to have been giving me a hard time about my lack of accomplishments. Whenever I point out a personal achievement, they discourage me by comparing my 2011 year to Jose Bautista’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that Bautista had a brilliant 2011 campaign, but just because he hit 43 home runs, batted over .300 and drove in 103 runs, it doesn’t mean that other people aren’t succeeding too. Just the other day, I made a flawless mix CD for my friend Paul, something I doubt Mr. Bautista could ever do.

But the parallels don’t end there. I went shot for shot with Jose all year, and the anecdotal evidence proves it.

April 1st, 2011

  • Jose Bautista went deep on Opening Day giving him his first homerun of the season.
  • That very day, Alex Headley scrounged around in the trunk of his car for roughly three minutes before finding the final quarter needed to purchase a Sausage and Egg McMuffin. Mr. Bautista symbolically tasted success, Headley actually did it!

May 15, 2011

  • Joey Bats was at it again hitting three homeruns in one game at Target Field vs. Minnesota. 
  • Alex Headley also had a banner afternoon successfully explaining the meaning of Groundhog Day to two newly arrived immigrants who spoke very little English and had no historical context for the tradition whatsoever. Three homeruns in one game is impressive though. We’ll call this one a draw.

May 28th, 2011

  • Bautista connected for his 20th homer of the season vs. the White Sox at the Rogers Centre.
  • Headley helped an inebriated woman find every CD she was looking for at the Oshawa Public Library. His performance was so impressive, she actually commented, “Do you work here? Oh, then what are you assisting me for? Don’t make me call security!”

July 2nd, 2011

  • Former Blue Jays ace, Roy Halladay returned to Toronto, and Jose Bautista welcomed him home by going yard to straightaway centre.
  • Headley mowed the front yard with an electric lawn mower and didn’t run over the extension cord once! Jose’s just playing baseball, Alex was in a life and death situation.

July 10th, 2011

  • Bautista homers twice in Cleveland, the second one coming in extra innings and being the difference in the game.
  • Headley loses his wallet twice and finds it both times. When he hears about Bautista’s evening, he loses it a third time for good measure. Unfortunately, the third time isn’t a charm: he never sees his wallet again.

August 16th, 2011

  • Jose made it 35 on the season, he homered on the road against Seattle at Safeco Field. 
  • Alex went for a 40 minute walk in the downtown Oshawa core without singing or talking to himself once. Everyone who saw him that day said he looked like a real winner.

August 24th 2011

  • Bautista launched a towering drive into the second deck in left field against the Kansas City Royals at the Rogers Centre. 
  • Headley operated a lap top computer and ate chicken wings without napkins at the same time. Who says men can’t multi-task!

September 4th, 2011

  • Bautista blasted his 40th homerun of the season against the New York Yankees.
  • Headley read two whole articles in the Toronto Sun before checking out the Sunshine Girl. Forget discipline at the plate, that’s real restraint.

September 13th, 2011

  • Jose launched a homerun over the Green Monster and off of the foul pole at Fenway Park in Boston. 
  • Alex mastered the 2-1 (water to rice) cup ratio on his stovetop in his kitchen.

September 24th, 2011

  • Toronto’s current Homerun King belted out his final big fly of the season, number 43 verses the Tampa Bay Rays. 
  • Headley demonstrated his academic prowess, teaching himself everything that he knows in one 5 minute session. He was a surprisingly good tutor and an even better student.

So there you have it, a shot by shot sampling of two outstanding individuals who had relatively comparable years. I didn’t even mention the laundry that I did or the phone messages that I took, but then again, I didn’t comment on Bautista’s fielding skills either.

By: Alex Headley

The very Headley of, Headley Talks, a no nonsense blog that delights in comparing apples to oranges. Feel free to mention Headley and Bautista in the same breath, it’s a fair comparison.

For Alex Headley, every day is just another day living in Jose Bautista's 5 o'clock Shadow.

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Cheating Is The Key To Success (Steroids In Major League Baseball)

February 22nd, 2012

With home runs down and skull sizes shrinking around Major League Baseball, it’s safe to say steroids are no longer as prevalent in the game. Bonds, McGwire, Sosa, Tejada, Clemens and A-Rod have all been exposed to varying degrees. In fact, it’s hard for fans to view any recent statistical feats in the sport without some degree of much deserved scepticism. All players are suspects who are guilty until proven innocent.

Still, some get off easier than others. Pettitte and Giambi’s forced confessions brought forgiveness. By contrast, Bonds and McGwire have been vilified for their denial and silence.

Congress and the sports media have obsessed over sorting players into two groups, ‘the pure of baseball heart’ and ‘the juice junkies.’ Many resources have been wasted in an effort to follow the needle trail, but in the end, does it really matter? Does anybody really care?

I certainly don’t! Sports are a reflection of society, and to get ahead in this world, you have to be a cheater. In fact, if you’re not cheating, then you’re not trying hard enough. Victory takes sacrifice. Who would you rather have on your team? Ward Cleaver or a man willing to shrink his testicles to knock a ball over a fence? Sac Attack wins hands down!

Be honest with yourself. Everyone cheats. What about the impotent man who takes Viagra to impregnate his wife? Is he a cheat? Maybe we should take this man’s kids away.? After all, people are stripping Bonds of his accomplishments. Try telling me they’re not the same thing. You could, but you would be wrong.

Or how about the marketing executive who fights off a bad cold with the power of NyQuil? Does he automatically lose the ad campaign to the sickly guy with the ‘crappy’ idea just because he’s not ‘all natural’? It seems harsh, but cast in the light of Major League morals, it’s the only fair decision. After all, it’s not the end result. It’s how you get there. Right?

And let’s not forget all those hippie musicians who couldn’t write a decent song without the influence of marijuana if their life depended on it. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Jimi Hendrix, they all found their muse in the smoke rings of their minds. Perhaps we should have a different kind of burning? We’ll take reefer ridden tracks, build a bonfire and light up the night to the tune of American Pie. If Barry can’t have his home runs, why should they have their tunes? Make Frank Sinatra number one again. So what if he was a mob man. At least he wasn’t a burnout.

Major League Baseball’s true understanding of integrity and fairness is best exemplified through the story of Eddie Gaedel. In 1951, the St. Louis Browns were having trouble getting runners on base. Their solution: Hire a 3’7” ‘American Dwarf’ to bat in their line up. ‘No pitcher will be able to throw him a strike’ they concluded. ‘He’ll walk every time.’

Eddie played in a game against the Detroit Tigers, but the next day, Major League Baseball’s commissioner banned him for life. Basically, the commissioner said, ‘You cheated Eddie! You’re a midget!’ You know a sport is cruel when it suspends a player for being vertically challenged. Sure, Eddie could have taken Human Growth Hormone, but then he would have been suspended all over again. When you’re dealing with Major League Baseball, you just can’t win.

By Alex Headley

(the very Headley of, Headley Talks, an online blog that champions the accomplishments of steroid users everywhere.)

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Why I Hate The 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs

February 22nd, 2012

Please, somebody help me care about the Stanley Cup playoffs! Every night, I watch games waiting to feel the sensation that comes with playoff hockey, but instead, I’m left sympathizing with the impotent man who can’t seem to respond to the Swimsuit Issue. The images are all there on my television screen, but I just can’t seem to get aroused.

Friends are quick to point out that in their minds, I’m a Leaf fan and not a hockey fan. Having said that, the Leafs haven’t been in the playoffs since 2004. Even so, I’ve been engaged by the playoffs every year up until this one.

At the end of the day, for me, sports comes down to a rooting interest. While my universe is Leafs centred, most years, I am able to find storylines that help me to become interested in other teams. This year, the plot board is empty. Here is a series by series explanation of why I just don’t care about the 2011 quest for Lord Stanley’s Mug.

Eastern Conference

Pittsburgh vs. Tampa

This matchup has all the excitement of a pre-season game or a Hollywood B movie. Instead of Crosby and Malkin, we’re watching Kovalev and Neal. Call me crazy, but without Sid in the line up, I just can’t accept the fact that this is the real Penguins’ team. As a result, the whole series is illegitimate. Sure, Stamkos has some star power, but overall, I think the Lightning are pretenders anyway. Why should I bother hitching my star to their wagon? Besides, Tampa has enough fans as it is. I wouldn’t want to crowd their Stanley Cup parade route by adding a 14th person.

Washington vs. New York

Will they get over the hump or won’t they? This is the best story line the Capitals have to offer, but the better drama will forever be Crosby verses Ovechkin. Without his foil in the Stanley Cup playoffs, Ovechkin can’t win. If he succeeds, he does so because he doesn’t have to run into the true Beast in the East. If he fails, then there’s one less star in the Stanley Cup playoffs. And as for the Rangers? Watching Sean Avery dance in front of goaltenders just isn’t my thing. His former girlfriend however… she’s a different story altogether.   If she was playing for the Rangers, then I might have something to cheer about.

Montreal vs. Boston

This is a true Leaf fan’s nightmare series. Who do I cheer for; my arch-rival or the team that stole our first round picks for the rest of eternity? The answer is no-one, but the lesser of two evils still has to be Boston. Enough with the argument that as a Canadian, I have to root for the Canadian team! Habs fans wouldn’t cheer for us, and if they ever did magically win the Stanley Cup this year, we would never hear the end of it. But if they lose, 1993 becomes more of a distant memory with each passing year.  Maybe that’s the only thing left to cheer for!

Buffalo vs. Philadelphia

In my world, this series definitely has to be a key ingredient in Gravol.  These two teams have done wonders for my insomnia. In terms of storied franchises, I can’t think of two teams that actually care less about. Will Ryan Miller save every puck that comes his way enabling  the very crappy Buffalo Sabres to move on to the second round? Or will the Philadelphia Flyers scrape by subjecting yet another visiting team to their disgusting city and fans? The good news is one of these teams has to be eliminated. The bad news is one of these parasites will find a new host in the second round.

That’s enough for one day. Tomorrow, I’ll rip on the Western Conference and why I don’t care about any team that plays games past my bedtime. Until then, happy playoff watching!

By:

Alex Headley

(The very Headley of, Headley Talks, a glass half empty kind of blog that never writes the truth in full.)

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Why I Hate The 2011 Stanley Cup Playoffs, The Western Conference Edition

February 22nd, 2012

Yesterday, I confided in you that my passion for the 2011 Stanley Cup playoffs has gone the way of the dodo bird. Today, I explore my interest in teams that usually drop the puck a half an hour after I go to bed. Did I mention I’ve never been west of Chicago? As far as I’m concerned, the Phoenix Coyotes might as well be a cricket team in Burma: that’s how distant they are from my everyday reality!  Here is a series by series explanation as to why the Western Conference has me hitting the snooze button.

Vancouver vs. Chicago

Maybe this is the year that the Blackhawks will end their 49 year drought and win the Stanley Cup? Oh wait a minute, that was last year. There’s another story line gone! I guess that leaves me rooting for the Canucks, but how can I cheer for a team that employs the use of clones? If the Canucks get two Sedins then the Blackhawks should get two Kanes. And what about me? Don’t I deserve a clone that can stay up late enough to watch their games? Then my readers would actually be getting an informed opinion!

Detroit vs. Phoenix

Detroit’s domination of the Western Conference has been going on longer than the British soap opera, Coronation Street. If I miss a dominant performance by the Red Wings this year, I can always catch the re-run next season.  Add the fact that they’re playing a team on the verge of franchise extinction and this series has all the excitement of a dry bowl of cornflakes.  Featuring stars like Nicklas Lidstrom, this round one match up is clearly running on fossil fuel. Nick needs to retire already and give young guys like me a shot.  I blame Lidstrom’s longevity as the sole reason for my inability to crack the NHL.

San Jose vs. LA

How could a team playing in California be called the Kings? The wild west is the antithesis of monarchy! Tuning in to see Joe Thornton is a real must. There’s a man whose grizzled face tells the story of the post season: he’s the epitome of playoff hockey! For Leaf fans, it’s sort of fascinating to see another city that Vesa Toskala once called home. Sharks’ Administration needs to write a letter of complaint to Wikipedia: he’s wearing their jersey in his wiki picture! Bring Gretzky back, change the year to 1993 and I might be interested. Maybe we could re-write history and find a way to prevent Montreal from winning the Cup.

Nashville vs. Anaheim

In all honesty, I had to check nhl.com to remind myself that this series existed. I didn’t care about Anaheim when they were the Mighty Ducks so what makes them think I’m going to care about them now? Ottawa vs. Anaheim was one of the most useless Stanley Cup Finals I’ve endured in recent memory. Ryan, Getzlaf and Perry are all great players, but I literally saw 0 of Corey Perry’s goals this year.  Perry and Getzlaf are far more exhilarating when they’re playing in Team Canada colours.  Hopefully, Mike Fisher will redeem this series by bringing Carrie Underwood to the arena.

By: Alex Headley

(the very Headley of, Headley Talks, a blog that writes passionately on topics that it doesn’t care about.)

 

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The Jersey Gift Giving Experience

February 22nd, 2012

With Christmas in the forecast for this upcoming weekend, you may want to consider purchasing a jersey for the sport’s fanatic in your family. The official jersey of your loved one’s favourite team is definitely an exciting gift, but don’t kid yourself, this present isn’t always an automatic homerun.  There are many pitfalls that can completely derail the jersey gift experience, and when you mess up a present that is seemingly so simple, nobody cares about the spirit of giving. When picking up your jersey this holiday, here are some poor decisions you need to avoid.

Don’t purchase a “Wishful Thinking” jersey.

Think one of the league’s best players is about to sign with your son’s favourite team? That’s all well and good, but don’t purchase the jersey until the deal’s done first. I wonder how many Yankees Carl Crawford and Cliff Lee jerseys are under the tree in New York this year? In the words of Yogi Berra, “it ain’t over till it’s over”. It will be over for you though if you purchase the jersey of a player who doesn’t even end up playing for the team.  Eric Lindros Quebec Nordiques jerseys anyone?

If you are putting a player on the back, then pick a real player. Don’t put your loved one’s last name on there.

Newsflash, everyone knows that your grandfather is not an elite hockey player in the NHL. Therefore, it makes no sense to put his last name on the back of a hockey sweater. Picture how frightened he’s going to be walking down to the senior’s centre when the young punk on the street corner seems to know him by name. Leave it blank, but if you have to, pick someone who really plays for the team.

Make sure the jersey looks as authentic as possible.

If a team doesn’t put the names of their players on the back of their uniforms, then you shouldn’t either.  I can’t for the life of me understand why some Yankees fans sport the home pinstripes with the actual player names on the back. If Jeter doesn’t have his name on the back of his uniform, then why are you doing  it? Don’t try to be more Jeter than Jeter.  I only hope that these mistakes were made by grandmothers giving Christmas gifts to their grandchildren. It’s understandable. They didn’t know any better.

Don’t put the name of a celebrity who supports a particular sport’s team on the back of that team’s jersey.

I really saw Jerry Seinfeld’s name on the back of a Mets jersey once. This doesn’t come across as clever. It just looks plain stupid. If your child happened to enjoy the movie, The Town, and he’s also a Red Sox fan, don’t think you’re creating the ultimate gift by getting him a Bo-Sox uniform with Ben Affleck on the back.  If it’s a home Red Sox jersey, then it’s just beyond stupid because even if Affleck played for the team, his name wouldn’t be on the back of his uniform.

Only pick established players. A player should be considered important to a franchise’s history before you go out and buy his jersey.

I’ll never forget my first Leaf jersey. My father went out and got me a Kenny Jonsonn sweater and said, “trust me Alex, this guy’s going to be a Maple Leaf for a long time.”  He was traded a few months later. I’ve had to live with the shame of owning a Kenny Jonsonn jersey ever since.

Once you’re over a certain age, the sweater really should be left blank or have a vintage name on the back. Never wear the name of a player who is younger than you are.

Went to an Oshawa Generals game the other day. Saw a man who must have been in his seventies wearing a Christian Thomas jersey. The player is eighteen years old. Something about that just doesn’t seem right.

By: Alex Headley

(The very Headley of, Headley Talks, a blog that wears the name of blogger Perez Hilton on its back.)

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Paulie Wrongo! Gretzky’s Greatness Is Timeless

February 22nd, 2012

Once upon a time, in an academic land so distant ago, Paul and I considered writing twin columns for the Varsity paper at the University of Toronto. The basic concept was simple: we spent our days tearing apart each other’s ideas around pub tables anyway, why not commit our opinions to print? The old point/ counter-point routine. We could take an issue, cut it in half, and let the public decide who should keep the mutilated baby.

The best part of this vision was the ground rules. Each column would start out as a reason based counter argument to the other’s opinion. By the end however, it was expected that each article would stoop to the lows of character assassination, hate mongering and slander. Needless to say, the drinks kept pouring and the dream was never re-filled.

When I asked Paul to guest blog for Headley Talks, it was out of respect for him as a writer. I had no intention of re-visiting this long abandoned fantasy, but when Paul called Wayne Gretzky a “poor man’s Jiri Tlusty”, I had to step in. The pub war is on! Let the insults begin.

For those of you new to the argument, I will quickly re-visit Paul’s premise. Mr. Longo contends that if 1979 Wayne Gretzky was transported to the year 2009 in a time machine, he would be a fringe player at best in the NHL today. Absent from his commentary is his disbelief in dinosaurs and contention that man never landed on the moon. Hey, if he questions The Great One, it stands to reason that his other thoughts must be crazy too. I don’t want to put words in his mouth, but who am I kidding? Yes I do.

Here are a few thoughts Paul got right:

1) Time travelling Wayne Gretzky would be confused. Satellite signals. Reality Television! So many channels and poor Wayne would just want to watch an episode of M*A*S*H or The Golden Girls. But that’s the beauty of the present. Wayne would feel right at home with the comforts of DejaView television. He could watch All In The Family on demand all game day long if he wanted to. A happy worker is a productive worker so Wayne would be better than ever. And as for The Great One’s desire to listen to Michael Jackson? No problem. The King of Pop has never been more popular. Wayne’s team mates would take him out to the premier of This Is It, and his cultural transition would be complete. Besides, who says you need to be comfortable to excel in sport? You don’t think Canada felt out of place in Russia in 1972?

2) 1979 Wayne Gretzky would appear alien to us. I mean, for goodness sakes, the man would be the world’s first time traveller. Add the fact that he was never that attractive in the first place, and it makes sense that the journey would give him mandibles. He always did look like a Ukrainian P.O.W. camp survivor on skates, but what does that matter? He wasn’t a model, he was a hockey player.

Enough of what Longo got right. Here’s what Paul got wrong:

1) SIZE: Newsflash Longo: that’s the same criticism scouts had of him in 1979. 2, 857 points later, most skeptics seem to admit they were wrong. I bet if you were around in 1912, you would still be calling the Titanic ‘the unsinkable ship’ from your life boat. Last I checked, players like Marc Savard were still making a living in the NHL. How tall is he again Paul? 5’10”? You may be a hockey expert, but I question your knowledge of human evolution.

2) THE SHOOT OUT: Hairstyles, hair colours, hair dyes, a career in sports broadcasting… Marc Crawford has made a lot of bad decisions. Not using possibly the greatest player in the history of the game in a life and death situation? Add that brilliant choice to the list. By the way, who won that shoot out anyway? The Czech Republic? So how does this prove not using Gretzky was a smart decision?

3) THE INTERNATIONAL NATURE OF MODERN HOCKEY: Right, because Gretzky played in a ‘mom and pop’ small time local version of the league where players had good old Canadian names like Jari Kurri, Borje Salming and Essa Tikkanen. To the best of my knowledge, growing up, the town hardware store wasn’t run by guys named Alexander Mogilny and Nikolai Borschevsky.

Still not convinced? Consider these facts:

1) During the 2008-2009 season, Chris Chelios was still playing in the NHL at the age of 47. So let me get this straight: senior citizen Chelios was good enough to be in the league, but ‘1986 Time Machine Chelios’ wouldn’t cut it. Apparently, Paul thinks present day Cheli is more evolved than the prime version of himself. It’s good to see his thoughts are making sense.

2) Mario Lemieux is the missing link that puts all debate to rest. Gretzky and Lemieux had primes that somewhat overlapped, and Mario dominated at the NHL level as recently as the 2000-2001 season. Add the fact that he was Captain Canada at the 2002 Olympics and it’s clear that he was able to play at an elite level in today’s game. But Paul would have you believe that grandfather post-cancer Lemieux was a superior specimen to his mid eighties early nineties self. Oh Paulie Wrongo, what will we do with you? Next, you will be saying ‘Time Machine Jordan’ would be a bench player in today’s NBA.

By: Alex Headley

the original cool

the original cool

(the very Headley of, Headley Talks, a blog petitioning Teletoon to air ProStars twenty-four hours a day.)

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AL MVP Additional Thoughts

November 22nd, 2011

A few points of clarification regarding yesterday’s post.

  1. Yes, I am aware that the Cy Young and Hank Aaron awards aren’t doled out by the same governing body. The Cy Young is voted upon by the Baseball Writers Association of America whereas the Hank Aaron is determined by baseball fans and media. In comparing the two, I was simply pointing out that the Cy Young is the gold standard for pitchers. The Hank Aaron award, which has only been around since 1999, doesn’t garner that same kind of reverence. Since the Hank Aaron award also only defines one aspect of an everyday player’s game, it likely never will achieve Cy Young award status. 
  2. No, I really wasn’t aware of the fact that a Babe Ruth Award already existed. Yesterday, I suggested that if pitchers are going to be considered for MVP’s, then a position-player-specific award should exist to counterbalance the Cy Young. I said “call it the Babe Ruth or the Joe DiMaggio.” Turns out the Baseball Writers Association of America does have a Babe Ruth Award: it’s awarded to the MVP of the post-season. This award has very little panache as most fans only really pay attention to the post-season MVP awards handed out on the field by Major League Baseball. 

Once again, none of this changes my argument. If there’s a best pitcher of the year, then there needs to be a best everyday player of the year. So who is it? Given my Blue Jays rooting bias, I think we all know who has my vote.

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AL MVP Shouldn’t Be Verlander

November 21st, 2011

So Justin Verlander is the American League MVP. Forgive my inability to think outside of the box, but that’s just flat out ridiculous.  

The best pitcher is awarded the Cy Young. In my mind, when Verlander won it, he became the MVP of American League pitchers. 

Giving him the American League MVP on top of the Cy Young seems incredibly redundant. Even worse, it leaves a gap in the history books. When future fans go back through the pages of baseball history, there won’t be a clear indication as to who was the best American League position player in 2011. 

And that’s the distinction that really needs to be made. If the MVP isn’t exclusively for position players, then an award equivalent to the Cy Young in terms of prestige needs to be created: call it the Babe Ruth or the Joe DiMaggio. Because right now, there isn’t one, and that just makes Verlander look like a hijacker! 

Sure, some may point to the Hank Aaron Award as being position-player-specific, but it also focuses on offence – it doesn’t claim its recipient to be baseball’s all round best everyday player. Besides, no-one in their right mind believes the Cy Young and Hank Aaron share equal status. Just look at how people refer to the two. When people say ‘the Cy Young’, they don’t have to say ‘Award’ because it’s assumed that you know what it is. People always call it the Hank Aaron Award because they have to remind you what the hell they’re talking about. 

And so baseball writers, if you’re going to go back to giving MVP’s to pitchers, then a new honour is needed for everyday players. They do play 162 games a year after all, often all 9 innings!  

Starting pitching; it’s the only job in the world where you can work one out of every five, check out early and still be considered the most valuable person in the company. 

By: Alex Headley, the very Headley of, Headley Talks, a blog that struggles to work one day in every thirty.

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My Soap Opera Life

October 18th, 2011

The other day, I fell asleep alone on the couch in front of the television. To my horror, I awoke to find my wife sitting next to me watching General Hospital. 

“Oh, come off of it!” she scolded me, “I’m allowed my guilty pleasures too. You think I don’t know that you’re watching Coronation Street when I’m not home?”  

“Damn it,” I cursed. I had been very careful to only watch Coronation Street online, and I always deleted my computer history.  

“I heard it one night through your headphones,” she said.  

“I knew you weren’t really sleeping,” I muttered. That night, I had been uncharacteristically reckless in my TV viewing, but it was the episode when Jack died: I had to risk it. And so, with my own demons exposed, I had no choice, but to shut up and bear her soap opera.  

My better judgement aside, I was actually enjoying the storyline until an announcer’s voice came over the scene and quickly bellowed, “DUE TO KIRSTEN STORMS’ ILLNESS, THE ROLE OF MAXIE JONES WILL BE PLAYED BY JEN LILLEY.” Then, a blonde girl that I had never seen before entered the hospital waiting room. To my surprise, Spinelli started talking to her just like she was the real Maxie! 

“What the hell?” I remarked.  

“Yeah,” my wife said un-phased. “Sometimes, when an actor is sick, they temporarily bring in another actor to play the part.”  

“That’s ridiculous!”  

“How is that any different from sports.? When Jose Bautista is sick, don’t the Blue Jays have somebody else play right field?”  

“Yeah, but that player has a name: the announcer doesn’t pretend that the right fielder is actually Jose Bautista!” 

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Nobody gave me a ‘fill-in-wife’ when mine got sick, I was stuck with the one God gave me. Even worse, when she fell ill, I was expected to take care of her. Just the other night, we were forced to miss a friends’ social gathering because of her sore throat. If I lived in the soap-opera world, these inconveniences would never happen. 

I began to picture myself showing up at my friend Joe’s house. Just before I enter his living room, an announcer’s voice calls out, “DUE TO ILLNESS, THE PART OF ALEX’S WIFE WILL BE PLAYED BY SCARLETT JOHANSSON!”  

This new system would also come in handy when it came to arguing about household chores. I pictured my wife saying, “didn’t I tell you to bring down your dirty laundry?”  

“No,” I could respond, “I’m pretty sure your role was being played by Angelina Jolie that week. She said that she would take care of it!”  

***

“You better make sure that you have a suit ready for Sara’s wedding”, my wife’s voice snapped me out of my daydream, “because if you don’t, I can hear the announcer’s voice already: DUE TO ILLNESS, THE PART OF ALEX WILL BE PLAYED BY JASON STATHAM!”   

“You wouldn’t dare,” I looked at her astonished.  

“What? You think I can’t have daydreams too? Just watch me!”  

By: Alex Headley 

The very Headley of, Headley Talks, unless otherwise noted by an announcer’s voice: TODAY, THE WRITER OF HEADLEY TALKS IS BEING PLAYED BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!

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The Quest For 60%

October 15th, 2011

Today, my wife sent me to the Supermarket for 60% whole wheat bread. You can imagine my confusion when I showed up in the bread aisle and all the loaves were reading 100%.

I kindly asked the bread lady, “Do 60% whole wheat bread loaves exist or is my wife just yanking my chain?”

“Oh they exist alright,” she assured me, “but we don’t carry them anymore… they’re kind of going the way of the unicorn.”  

“That bad eh?” I said not really understanding her reference. 

“Besides,” she went on, “why would you want 60% of something when you can have it all? 100 is better than 60!” 

“Not always,” I disagreed. “I don’t really know a lot about the whole bread game, but I know a thing or two about broken arms.”  

“What are you on about?” my red-apron wearing nemesis asked me. 

“Well what if I’m on a swing?” I asked her, “and I fall off and break my arm? I’d rather break 60% of my arm than 100% of my arm.” 

“You’re a grown man, what are you doing on a swing?” she snarled.  

“Or what if I’m climbing a mountain?” I babbled. “What if I’m climbing a mountain, and I’m desperate to get to the top? Would I rather have 60% of the climb left or the whole thing?” 

“I’m starting to hope you fall off this mountain,” she quipped, “and break your arm on the way down. Now do you want my help or not, because I’m a very busy bread lady and I have some slicing to do.”  

OK, maybe she didn’t call herself ‘bread lady’, but that just fits the story nicely, and I don’t actually know her name. Although her sentence must have been something different altogether, because she wouldn’t have said ‘I’m a very busy Debbie’ but it was something like that… something in that vein. 

Finally, this hair netted breadstress said something useful: “you look like a man who’s into idiotic solutions, why don’t I cut the loaf for you… you can take 60% of the 100% loaf home to your wife.” 

“Not bad Solomon,” I complimented her, “but I’m King David, my solution rules the day!” 

You should have seen my wife’s face when I came home and she realized what I had done. 

You see, my wife really likes 60% whole wheat bread, and she must know that it’s rare stuff, because her exact instructions were, “if you find any, buy it all up, bring home ten loaves of it!”  For a fleeting moment, this seemed like an impossible task because like the ‘Red Apron’ said, 60% bread is mythological. 

But that’s when I remembered my old friend math: if my wife wanted 10 loaves (each at 60%), then she was really asking for 600% whole wheat bread. With the help of a high school shopping cart jockey, I was able to deduce that 600 divided by 100 was actually 6! I could get my wife the exact amount of whole wheat she required, and I could do it in just six 100 % loaves.  

“And you actually thought that this made sense?” my incredulous wife asked me.  

“Big time savings,” I told her. “I saved on 4 loaves, and do you know how I spent my bonus money?” 

“Tell me,” she really didn’t want to know.  

“I went to Déjà vu Discs, I bought a Best of the 60’s compilation… in honour of the bread… it was really my day.”  

“Maybe you should have bought a Best of the 80’s and subtracted twenty of the tracks… it would have worked out to the same thing.”  

“Sometimes, I think you only use 60% of your brain,” I informed her. 

Turns out the joke’s on me. Who knew that 60% of your brain was such a good number.  

By: Alex Headley and his life experiences. 60% of this story is actually true. Can you spot any fabrications?

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