Headley Talks

For centuries, God’s creation story was passed down orally.  I first heard it through a friend of a friend of someone who was almost there.  Here’s how it goes.

Creation

In the beginning, God wasn’t really sure that it was the beginning.  After all, humans weren’t around yet and weren’t they the ones who invented time?

Still, God had an inkling.  It’s time to get down to work, he thought to himself aloud and then giggled because no-one was there to hear him.

This made him ponder the question, if a god makes a world in a universe and there is no-one there to see it, does it really exist at all?

“I better add people to the mix”, God decided (although it should be acknowledged that at this point, God didn’t call himself God yet.  After all, with no people around, who was he supposed to be God to? Why not be Alfred, Linda or Hugh?).

With all this confusion, it’s a wonder that the project got off the ground at all.  Perhaps this is best explained by the fact that there was no ground either.  It was impossible to get off to a bad start because there had never been another start.  God was number one by default.  Besides, He hadn’t even conjured up ideas of right and wrong.

Under these forgiving circumstances (which further confuses things because it implies that someone else was around to offer God forgiveness) Yahweh got down to business.  When I say Yahweh, I am of course referring to God (who ended up with a few different names because He was lonely and wanted to feel like He was surrounded by peers similar to Himself).  These nicknames are generally known to religious insiders as God’s first creations, but because of the majesty of His other works, they usually don’t get a lot of airplay.

“Genesis”, God yelled to get the ball rolling.  Right then and there, Jehovah knew that creating a detailed universe would require a lot of heavy lifting.  Since it was His first work week ever, God made Himself a promise.  “If you work hard all week, I’ll give you Saturday off”, the Lord told Himself, immediately reaping the benefits of self employment.  Days, nights, Saturdays: God was making all of this stuff up on the fly.  And so, God was the first ever to create the concept of “winging it”.

During these sessions, God stumbled upon the fact that he didn’t even need to get physical.  All he had to do was say “Let there be” and things seemed to happen.  Light, night, water, land: a lot of this stuff was accidental due to God adding subjects to His sentences.  Still, God saw that it was good and so He thought, why not make some animals?

In His fabled few day career, these were “I Am’s” greatest achievements yet.  People often give “G” credit for making animals of every kind, but really, He was just trying to make anything.  Faces, noses, ears and limbs became His rhythm.  In the interest of variety, He threw in horns and hooves here and there.  Sometimes, the creatures He made frightened Him.  If the armadillo wasn’t a clear sign that things were spinning out of control, then the platypus was a cry for help that couldn’t be ignored (although it was, because who else was there to lend a helping hand?).

God finally set to work creating people to run this hotdog stand of a planet.  His resources spent and the “Let there be” catchphrase growing old, he settled upon making human beings out of dirt and each other.  It wasn’t His finest hour, but then again, it was pretty much Friday.

The work week behind him, He rested (which is basically what He had been doing since before the beginning of time).

By: Alex Headley

(the very Headley of, Headley Talks, a blog written by Headley but inspired by God.)

"Click here to save your creation settings. Failure to do so will end life on Venus and Mars."



Consider today’s blog an instructional manual.  Online courses seem to be all the rage these days, and so, I too will begin to offer tutorial “how to” articles designed to dumb down the mysteries of life.

Today’s topic: the “street meat” hotdog.  Allow “Headley Talks” to be your eHarmony source for finding the perfect Frank.  By the end of this session, you should be able to:

• Know where to go for street meet in Toronto.
• Identify proper hotdog prices.
• Recognize distinctions between wiener pushers and true hotdog entrepreneurs.
• Demonstrate proper hotdog purchasing etiquette.
• Understand “hotdog appropriate” situations (circumstances where it is o.k. to eat a hotdog).

Let’s get started.

Where can I find my hotdog?

Locating a hotdog vendor is as easy as finding a Chinese person in China.  Have you ever seen two streets intersect?  It’s called an intersection.  Go to one and there’s sure to be a hotdog vendor on every corner.  Now the challenge becomes “which hotdog vendor do I go to?”.

What should I be looking for when selecting my hotdog vendor?

When selecting a vendor, the first thing I examine is umbrella colours.  For me, a true hotdog umbrella is yellow, red or black.  These colours show a strong knowledge of hotdog history.  They represent condiments, the flame and the filth of the grill.  A purple and white umbrella is an immediate sign grilling ineptitude.  Steer clear of their sirens.  Let the smoke of the black, red and yellow reel you in.

I’m staring straight into my hotdog vendor’s eyes.  How can I be confident that he has strong hotdog breeding capabilities?

First, while operating the hotdog stand, your vendor should not be doing anything that even remotely resembles breeding.  This is an unnecessary step in the hotdog making process.  If you have suspicions, walk away.

That said, check out your vendor’s hygiene.  Does he look haggard? Greasy?  Have dirt underneath his fingernails? Smell like he uses the toppings as his own personal cologne?  If so, then the man deserves checkmarks.  Remember, you’re not making out with him, you’re just eating his food.  Less time in the bathtub equals more time on the barbeque.  The verdict is in.  The man can grill.

I want the best, but I’m on a budget.  What should I be expecting to pay?

Much like prostitution, this is still a street business so forget debit or credit: have your cash ready.

As for the numbers, if the figure is over two-hundred dollars, then check out the street names.  His idea of giving you street meat might be slightly different than your own.

Under most circumstances, the price of a good hotdog is in step with the current subway fare.  Anything less and you’re running the risk of a “bum” dog.

I’m new to this.  How do I make a proper hotdog money exchange?

There is no right or wrong way for a hotdog deal to go down. Think of it as a dance where the vendor takes the lead.  Perhaps he’ll ask for the money up front.  Maybe the exchange will happen in sync with the hotdog transfer itself.  As for the drink, it can really be offered at any time.  This is also a situation where you can show initiative by ordering your beverage as part of your hotdog declaration.

When is it the appropriate time to have a hotdog?

As a midday snack, before a first kiss, as a dish at a wedding banquet, during a bout with diarrhoea: hotdog time is anytime. Just stay calm, remain composed and enjoy the moment.  It only happens three times a day.

By: Alex Headley

(the very Headley of, Headley Talks. In this dog eat dog world, you should be the dog doing most of the eating.)

Heaven in a bun.